If you show up wearing a pink shirt, you will surely die.

MKH found this add during one of his Craig's List shopping excursions (this is a nightly event that lasts for HOURS). He's always saying "Hey honey, come look at this" and I usually groan and quickly glimpse at whatever it is he wants to show me (usually some dumb car or motorcycle that I couldn't give a rat's ass about). This one was actually worth the time to read (I have highlighted my favorite points):

"OK, let me start off by saying this truck is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). If it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this truck would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for (coincidentally you can likely haul a Prisus with this truck). If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop because I won't sell it to you.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. It was originally bought my my grandfatehr who went to china town in search of mogwais like from the movies "gremlins". He didn't listen to us that they don;t exist so thats why we don;t let grandpa drive anymore.

This truck does not have superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is). However it does have a killer CD player, for rocking out to heavy metal music while you are wake boarind.

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 305 V8 to outrun the cops and tow giant boats to the lake that chicks dig. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery (for after a hard day of lumber jacking in case you cut your leg off and you need to drive to the bar). The truck also has an 350 TH automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the two hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by friendly fire when I got down range of Toby Keith.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $1,350 but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me your old bass boat for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 138,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

I personally have added alot of upgrades to this truck. I have replaced alot of parts and trust me that this thing is ready to go. George Bush once asked me to go drive it around Iraq to scare the insurgents into giving up, but I was too busy drinking gasoline and surfing while rocking out on a double guitar.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm also throwing in a herculiner roll on bed liner for the bed. Also included is a shop manual (even though the manliest of men don't read manuals, pretending to read it is a good way to ignore your wife or girlfriend.

Rock on. "



I really could have just highlighted the whole thing because every bit of it is ridiculously funny. I didn't want to bog down my pretty blog with pictures of ugly trucks so I'll just tell you that the vehicle for sale is an old, rusted-out, 80-something Chevy. Oh, yeah, and it had this picture at the very end: