Lame rambling

1. I hate it when people don't speak proper English. I'm not talking about the simple "who vs. whom" mistake (although that bothers me a little too) but I work with this moron who seems to have his very own language. Example: Instead of yesterday, it's "yesday." How do you leave an entire fucking syllable off a word? I just want to slap him every time I hear him say it. Also, it's not with but "wiff." Seriously. And this guy is semi-intelligent. He has a college degree. I've heard him speak real words while on the phone. It's almost like he's too cool to use real words in everyday co-worker conversation. I try to avoid him as much as possible.
2. Maybe it has something to do with Aunt Flo being in town but suddenly, I can't figure out what the hell I am doing with my life. I mean, I'm totally happy with my family life and all but what the hell am I doing with my career? Why did I switch paths? I had it made. Why couldn't I have been happy in my cozy little office doing virtually nothing for 1/2 of the day? I was spoiled rotten. I suddenly do not understand why I felt the need to challenge myself and get on a path that would take me somewhere. I miss naps at work. I could call up my old boss, one of the greatest guys on this planet, and get my job back. Too bad I'm too proud.
3. I secretly hope a tiny bit that my husband will lose his job so we can pack up and move to some exotic country, much like The Anchored Nomad gets to. Not to minimize her devastating situation, but I think it would be totally cool to have foreign connections.
4. I feel guilty for wishing my husband didn't have a job. Especially since it's entirely possible that he could be on unemployment in the near future. It's happened in his company already. The economy sucks. Especially 'round these parts.
5. I have experienced, for the first time, what it is like to have a kid home from school on break. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! The kid is annoying as hell. I can not wait until January 5th. He was never, EVER, like this before he started kindergarten but apparently they get used to being totally busy for 8 hours straight. That lock on the closet looks like it might come in handy.
6. I hate winter birthdays. Monkey will be 6 on January 10th and the only way to have a decent party is to shell out a few hundred dollars to go to an indoor play center. I can't wait for Mady-Lou's July birthdays. Parks are free.
7. I have been creeped out for about a year now over some missing volumes of our adult video collection (not that we have many and we're not porn fiends. I actually just got brave one day and ordered some online. They are supposed to help improve sex life of married couples, not that ours sucked or anything. They are narrated by sex professionals. Yeah, we're that crazy). They are romantic little movies with ideas and what-not. When we moved into our new house about a year ago, the 3 best ones (this is a collection of about 10), came up missing. I thought I hid these very well so that my father-in-law would not find them in the move but they been totally missing. Shit! I thought there were two scenarios that could explain what happened a) my father-in-law caught a glimpse of the collection and thought he wanted to try them out b) my mother-in-law caught a glimpse of the collection and threw them out, praying for us every day since. I don't know which scenario would have been better but, luckily, neither happened. Last night, I remember exactly where I had put them. I sent MKH to the attic and sure enough, there they were, safe and sound. Ahhhh....decent sex again...Maybe the placenta-head syndrome is going away.
   
8. I totally just made myself sound like a perv. I am not, I assure you. Keep reading.
9. There is something about seeing your husband with your daughter that makes your heart melt. The way that MKH talks to, looks at, plays with our daughter is unbelievable. She totally has him wrapped around his finger. It's fabulous. We're going to be in serious trouble for it in a few years.
10. My 96 year old grandma is the greatest woman alive. I love her with all of my heart. This is priceless:

Love you, MeeMa!

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister walk into a bar...

I just don't understand atheism. No, I guess that's not accurate. I understand the lack of religious belief. What I don't understand is atheiSTS. If you don't believe in something-fine, that is 100% your prerogative and I'm cool with that. But why do you care so much that other people believe? I should preface this argument by giving you my religious run-down:

I grew up in the church. My family didn't just go a couple times a week. We volunteered, cooked, cleaned, and did everything we could for the church. That church was a huge part of my life and I enjoyed it very much. I have a pretty basic knowledge of the Christian faith. I have also declared myself atheist since I was about 11. Most 11-year-olds probably don't know what atheism even is but I just "knew" in my soul that this religion was not what I believed to be real. Later, I decided that I was, in fact, agnostic.

ag·nos·tic (g-nstk)

n.

1.

a. One who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a God.

b. One who is skeptical about the existence of God but does not profess true atheism.

2. One who is doubtful or noncommittal about something.

adj.

1. Relating to or being an agnostic.

2. Doubtful or noncommittal


This is probably far more accurate than the atheist title I had formerly given myself. I think there is probably some greater power in this universe. I'm not sure if it is a God or purely science but I'm basically choosing not the chose. It's a cop-out but I'm okay with that.

So, back to my point. Why in the hell do most atheists throw such a fit about religion. Chose to live your life however you might and leave everyone else's choices out of it. Atheists usually claim to not care so much yet they get in an uproar if there is a display of the 10 commandments in a government building. WHO CARES? It is not offensive. How could it possibly be? If you don't believe in it, how can it offend you? It would just be words then, wouldn't it?

I'm not exactly sure what I believe at this point. What I do know is that Christianity feels good. Even if there isn't a "higher power," what's wrong with the church? It certainly isn't harmful. If anything, it will help mold my children into better people. Singing, friends, helping the community, studying the bible (it is fascinating literature, no matter what you believe)...even if, in the back of my head, I am always thinking "This is so naive and ridiculous." Who cares? It makes me feel good. Religion is my guilty pleasure.

So, Happy Hannakuh/Merry Christmas/Happy Kwanzaa/Happy Ramadan/Happy Chinese New Year!

I Love Lists

Usually, I am an adventurous, risk-taking kinda gal. However, there are certain things that I just will not do. EVER. Here is a short compilation of said things:

1. Eat sushi
2. Become a heroin addict-I hate needles
3. Work in fast food
   
4. Pump my own gas
5. Put a worm on a fishing hook
6. Get plastic surgery (although I could totally use a breast lift...the joys of breast feeding!)

Also, there are certain things that I must do before I die:

1. Skydive
2. Bungee jump
3. Travel internationally
4. Find a career that I LOVE
5. Find a cause that I am passionate about and volunteer

And lastly, a list of things I totally regret doing. You've heard people use the lame-ass phrase "I don't regret anything because every mistake has been a lesson....." That's total crap. There are things we've all done that we would have been better off not doing. My personal list is this:

1. Gaining 65 pounds during both pregnancies
2. Crashing a truck into a tree, totaling said truck
3. Letting my brother talk me into texting some friend of his as a joke only to have the guy text and call for 2 DAYS straight , begging me to meet him. Yeah, this guy is pretty desperate. I might have to change my number.
4. Getting drunk and going to a strip club with ex-colleagues that I had once respected and in turn, probably losing all respect that they had once had for me. Or maybe they respect me more without the stick up my ass? Hmmm...
5. As a teenager, my boyfriend and I were having sex in my bedroom while my dad was gone. Since we thought we were alone, we felt no need to be quiet. We must have been getting pretty loud because we didn't hear him come home. MOR-TI-FIED!
   

10,000 hours is all it takes

Did anybody catch author Malcolm Gladwell on the CBS Early Show yesterday? As I watched Harry introduce him I thought "What. The. Hell. Is this dude a Willy Wonka wannabe or what?" I mean, SERIOUSLY! Look at this hair:




Creepy, Right?

And then, I heard one of the most fascinating theories ever. Malcolm suggests something that we all have heard a million times before: Practice makes perfect. We have been told this since grade school but it hasn't sunk in before like it did when I heard Malcolm's theory on it. Of course he takes it a step further than just practice, practice, practice. An example he uses is Mozart. He says that Mozart had to write music for over 10 years before he wrote anything that was actually good. Of course, it sounds stupidly simple but you have to read his book Outliers to get the full gist of it. Apparently, he has written scores of these types of books. Genius, I tell ya! I'm going to be a ballerina!

What's That? Wednesday

Since I'm super-cool and really getting into this whole blogging thing, I've decided to participate in a "What's That? Wednesday." Clearly, the objective is for you to guess what the object is based on a portion shown in the picture.




Good Luck!

Beer and Boobs

You know some of the best advice out there is to not over-do it at a company party. I have went against this advice over and over again, year after year. MKH's company throws a huge party every year, complete with open bar (of course). Friday was this annual Christmas party. This party starts at noon and I have been known to arrive precisely then and drink until closing at seven. This year I was wiser and didn't show up until 4:00. It didn't make a difference, as you will find out shortly. It was an awesome time, seeing old co-workers (MKH works for the same company I just left) and friends. We closed down the place and decided (against my better-albeit impaired-judgment)to hit a bar. Smart move. Okay-we're mature adults, right? We can handle just "a couple more." No. I knew I couldn't. I caved to the peer pressure. The bar was crowded but at least it wasn't smokey (yeah smoking ban!). I was forced a couple more drinks and I felt myself slipping into oblivion.

Side note: I should mention that I haven't had more than a beer or two since getting pregnant with Mady-Lou (over a year ago).

After around the 20th screwdriver and 5th beer, I vaguely remember breaking up a bar fight, getting kissed from a ex co-worker and going to a strip club. I have now seen sides of my friends that I have never seen before. My eyes are still bleeding. I'm not exactly the strip club type but hey, who says soccer moms are uncool?

I definitely DID NOT over-do it this year, right?

Now I better sober up and get my Christmas shopping done-only 10 days to go. Yikes!

A quick laugh before you vomit

I found this video over at Dooce's place.

funny. stuff.







Also? This is only one of many reasons NOT to eat at McDonalds. E. Coli anyone?



Unfortunately, MKH did not realize it was practically raw until well into the burger. Um, EW?

Boys, UGH!

So, you remember how I said I wasn't ready for the whole pervert stage? I spoke too soon. Monkey stayed at his cousins this past weekend. His cousin is exactly 1 year and 2 days younger than he and has a HUGE obsession with butts. Now, you'd have to know my sister-in-law to think that is as funny as I do. She is a little...um, uptight. So anyway, my nephew is ALWAYS talking about butts. He has even put on a few "butt shows" with the neighbor boy. He's a hoot. Also the cutest little boy in the ENTIRE world. Well, his obsession continued as my Innocent son was sleeping over. He INSISTED (as gross as this sounds) that Monkey put his butt on his eyeball. I'm sure he wasn't actually expecting Monkey to try to do this but he is young and naive. Monkey literally tried to sit, bare bottomed, on my nephew's eyeball. Of course this was both alarming and hysterical to hear. I mean, boys will be boys, right? Or maybe this goes beyond that? I had a brief talk about his privates (AGAIN) and left it at that. In Monkey's defense (as null as it is):

"he told me to."

Maybe I should go ahead and book an appointment (or 20) with a psychologist?

I think my sister-in-law is probably still trying to wash out my nephew's eye. THAT makes me laugh uncontrollably!

Snow Day!

Today is a milestone day for monkey. Today is his very first snow day. Ever. He now knows what it's like to drag himself out of bed on a weekday to see if the forecasted snowstorm has hit. This is a midwestern institution. Nothing will piss a school-aged kid off more than looking out the window only to find a few flurries when they were expecting a blizzard. Since it's "so bad" out, you would expect everyone to be huddled inside, staying warm. No way does this happen. All the kids go outside and play in the snow, of course. Monkey isn't quite old enough to play outside by himself yet but he can't wait for MKH to get home and take him out.

While we're on the subject of snow storms, what the hell is wrong with you people?! It's going to snow for a DAY. Tops. Is it really necessary to high-tail it to the store and stock up on non-perishables? Seriously. You'd think we were expecting an onslaught of West Nile or something.

PS. I just wrote this from my new BlackBerry. I am so high tech and cool. Huh.

What about the tourture method?

What's the best place to turn when you have a parenting dilemma? Wise and knowledgeable parents? Trusting friends? Co-workers? NO, NO, NO. It's the Internet, of course. My trusty sidekick, Google, has helped in so many ways. From sauteing chicken to making Advent calendars, he sure does know it all. But not even Wiki How can help this time....I've got a trouble-maker kid. I can't hardly believe that it's true. He has always been so sweet, polite, and well-mannered. Now he is a disobedient and defiant. What the hell happened. The only thing I can come up with is the new addition to our family, Mady-Lou. The only problem with that theory is that she has been a "new" addition for over 4 months now without any issues. I suppose the novelty of being an older brother has worn off and it's not so fun sharing the attention of his parents anymore. So, fellow Internets, what course of action do I take. We have made sure to stop poor behavior in the act and remind him of what the better choice would be. We have grounded. We have taken away every privilege possible. Nothing. Works. I'm sure he is testing the waters and pushing his limits, he's probably at that age but I swear if I get one more call from his teacher, my ears will bleed. He was even caught peeking in the girls' restroom today. Oh. My. God! Of course he was just be naughty, I'm sure there couldn't have been any perverted intentions (I am definitely NOT prepared to deal with pervertedness yet). I am just SO frustrated! Maybe I should just quit my job and home school...yeah, right.

Ugh. Christmas time is here. I am not exactly sure when I transformed from a Black Friday-shopping, 24-hour Christmas music listening, hall decking, mistletoe hanging cornball into a scrooge, but it has definitely happened. I have managed to drag out some of my pretty Christmas decorations and put up the tree but I can't seem to muster up any holiday spirit. It must be part of growing old. It is SO darn stressful to find just the right gifts for everyone and plan visits to everyone even though there just aren't enough work-free days to do so. And I must make a yummy dish for each of these gatherings even though most of my dishes are inevitably not-so-yummy. Not to mention that my almost-6-year-old has about 10 things on his list that he MUST have for Christmas this year (or he can not go on living, of course), most of those things being $75+... How could I possibly get into the holiday spirit with all of this stress? I could chose to be a non-holiday celebrating atheist or something but I don't think that's the most practical solution. Any ideas?

Also (opinions welcome here), am I being a total bitch by deciding that my son will give 3 of his gifts to charity this year? My mother is notorious for being over-the-top and has elected to by my children 13 gifts a piece this year. This is way. too. many. I have told her over and over again to please limit her amount of gifts because A) it is excessive and gives my son the wrong idea about Christmas and B) our house isn't that big. She chooses not to listen so I chose to give some of those unnecessary items to kids who actually need things. If it hurts her feelings too bad. I warned her.

In other news, one of my oldest and dearest friends has won a cruise and has decided to take little old me with her. I. cannot. wait. I am going to be drunk for a week straight, I am sure of it. MKH is going to get the awakening he deserves kick'n it single-parent style. Yay!